I am making one edit: I am quite surprised that hardly anyone has mentioned me in their posts. Not that I mean to sound self-centered, but if I were observing, one of the first things I would have asked myself was how I got through the entire thing, why I didn't crumble or currently show signs of being emotionally disturbed, or signs of any traumatizing past? I think part of the reason why is because (and I hope nobody takes this personally) my peers are uncomfortable characterizing me in their posts, for fear that I might read them and be offended in some way. If anyone honestly had any questions, musings or insights having specifically to do with me, let me say right now that by all means, please do. And if you are still uncomfortable putting it up for anyone to read, a personal message will do just fine. I am not, will not ever be offended by how you characterize me.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Reflection on Today's Presentation
When it comes to today's presentation, I couldn't help but feel uncomfortable sitting up there listening to my mom speak. I wasn't uncomfortable simply because I was sad or embarrassed (of course I was sad but not embarrassed), but because I wondered what people were seeing in me as I silently sat there. I occasionally shifted my eyes around the room to see of any of my peers were observing me. Did they think I was an emotionless robot? Did they admire me for my stability? Were they simply giving me pity? Were they searching for certain reactions at particular parts of my mom's speech? While I felt uncomfortable, I have to admit it felt great, amazing almost, to finally have my peers hear my story. Like I have mentioned on multiple occasions, I feel misunderstood by my peers, and I think that finally having them sit and listen (to my MOM for pete's sake) and nothing more was satisfying in the comforting sense that I know perhaps they now understand me a little bit more. Answering questions after lunch was not difficult at all, in fact it was almost a revelation for me, to question and search the deepest, most painful realms of my thoughts. It is not something I am often able to do, and I am very appreciative that my peers did not hesitate to ask such questions, in fact I commend them for their bravery: these are questions I am not even asked by from my own family. Whether this is out of respect or sympathy I do not know, but what I do know is that those who asked questions today and even those who did not genuinely cared, and I deeply thank them for that with all of my heart.
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I AM SO UPSET I MISSED THIS !!! HONESTLY THIS IS THE ONLY CLASS I WISH I COULD GOT TO SCHOOL FOR !!! GRRRRRR !!! you stated "search the deepest, most painful realms of my thoughts" I have been doing this alone recentley and I feel it has been helping me but it is hard, what were some of the questions asked?
ReplyDeleteEloise,
ReplyDeleteI wish someone had thought to tape it for you.
Evan,
I did sometimes wonder what you were thinking in your mother's presentation, and why you sometimes smiled a bit. I think everyone does have an inherent desire to be heard...sometimes silence can be like shell, a burden. Perhaps you could have elaborated on the "deepest, most painful realms of my thoughts", because it would help the reader to understand your story further. I admire the way you continue to handle this episode with such grace.
Eloise and Casey,
ReplyDeleteWhat I meant by the "deepest, most painful realms of my thoughts" was mostly having to do with the images of my father in the last days of his life. Searching for the answers to questions you guys asked was very difficult, because it required me to search inside myself and remember images that I think I would rather have wiped from my memory.
And when I was smiling a bit, a lot of the time it was because of the irony of some parts in the story, but mostly because I laugh to myself at how some can think things like this happen for a reason, or just how silly it is that people have this idea of "dying with grace". I guess I smirk at these things because I've learned that simply being angry about them can only bring me further down.
I was quite struck by two things you said. First, I hadn't thought about your peers scrutinizing you for reactions to what I was saying. I suppose I thought about what they might be thinking when YOU spoke, but it never occurred to me that they would be looking at you for reactions as I spoke. I also never think of you as being particularly concerned with what others think of you because you always seems so sure of yourself, so it was interesting to me to hear you voice this. It made you a little more vulnerable in my eyes, not a bad thing. Secondly (and I suppose this is related), I never realized that you felt misunderstood by your peers (or cared). As close as we are, I guess we still have a lot we can learn about one another. In general, I wish to say that your postings have been very brave, and that I admire you and love you very much.
ReplyDeleteMom
Evan,
ReplyDeleteFirst, I want to agree with Casey & your mom's posts, and to sympathize with Eloise that she missed the class.
I think your diagnosis of the fewer references to your reaction might be true, people want to be careful of your likely tender feelings. I actually find that refreshing and unusual in our culture of massive exposure. Here you and your mom exposed a fundamentally important experience & reality and students were brave enough to ask questions but polite enough not to float theories about your personal feelings on the WWW based on facial expressions you may or may not have made.
The importance to you, mentioned in several posts, of your peers having a sense of you in terms of your father's death seems very sane to me. I'm a little surprised by your self-awareness - you noticed a sense of disconnect (they only knew a part of you), felt imprisoned by dynamics of lightness, figured out some of those dynamics, and feel freed by sharing of complexity & suffering. In a nutshell, that's what I'm hoping this course will do for all of us - help us notice the disconnect in our hearts, realize that we're imprisoned in a superficial false-map of our actual experience (whether food, illness, birth, etc), and connect as wholer people to our actual existential situations.
Perhaps this sense of people understanding you will translate to closer friendships, perhaps to a generally increased sense of depth/comfort. What it translates to will be up to you and them!