HW19- Family Perspectives on Illness and Dying

As everyone (in Andy's class) now knows, my mom and I have been through the most extreme of illness and dying situations in the last 10 days of my father's life. Because of this experience we share we are able to talk together on almost the same level about not only my father's illness and dying, but moral values and world views about illness, dying, denial and the medical systems of the world. When I interviewed my mom, I had a good feeling I knew exactly what she was going to say, and not just because I've heard the story, but because I played an active part in it.

The first question I asked her regarded the everlasting battle between allopathic and holistic medical beliefs and techniques. I myself see it necessary to meet in the middle and take the best from both sides, and my mom did not see it any different. While she is a firm believer in the spirit and attitude that comes with holistic methods, she thinks it would be foolish to completely shun the allopathic side of the spectrum. In the end, holistic ways may keep our minds and fortitude alive and well, but there is no denying that in most cases allopathic ways keep our bodies alive, which are essential. She also associated words such as "comfort" and "encouragement" with the holistic end of the spectrum, and words like "security" and "protection" towards allopathy. I found that these were particularly fitting, and made me see things with a different light. I find myself asking if my mom was willing to give up my father's"security" for his "comfort" in his last hours. But I also ask if she was in turn sacrificing his "protection", which probably doesn't apply here because at that point, what protection could the allopathic really offer?

Then I asked a question that I felt was slightly dangerous: if there was any way, ANY way to view the experience in a positive way, what was it? For me the answer to the question is that at the very least, and by this I mean THE VERY LEAST I know what true dying looks like as a filmmaker. But for my mom, whom the experience was the most emotionally intense, was there anything gained from the experience? Her answer was much like what she told everyone today: you learn that you have to be your best advocate, and that the experience, as horrifying and gruesome as it ended up being, brought their relationship together almost at its strongest. Rather than worry about things like taxes or finding work, the two could reconnect, and in addition to their relationship becoming more intimate, much of the tension between my father and my mom's side of the family subsided. She said that IF there was any way that his illness and dying had any positive aspect (not really appropriate word choice but I honestly can't think of anything better to replace "positive", excuse me), it was in the effect it had on their marriage.

In the end I know that my mom and I have this special connection that nobody else on the planet can have, and because of this we seem to be very in touch with each other's thinking. I knew exactly what she meant because I had gone through almost just as much as she did with my father's illness (by this I mean the latter stages). I have to wonder if anyone can ever understand it as much as we do, especially because we did it so differently from how anyone would have treated the situation. Unfortunately even the closest of other family members will never share this connection with us, however I do NOT think it is degrading or lacking of our relationship, just an experience that is missing. Hopefully most of my peers my mom talked to this morning will have gotten as close as possible to understand our story.